I’ll admit, being part of a mission is really hard. It’s a difficult thing, especially when my own faith wavers so much. I was speaking with a few friends that I’ve made here in Nairobi, and they assume that just because I am part of this mission, that I am obviously a traditionally-defined Christian with an unwavering faith, when in actuality, that is just not the case—- I’m a man in process. I am a man who lives with unknowns; a man who is aware that myself and everyone else around me likely does not have it all figured out.
I don’t know if this is going to be a life changing experience, in fact, it probably will be no more of a life changing experience than if I had stayed in New York, because everything is life-changing. Every single thing that happens to you, changes your life to some degree. I had sushi once at Tomo Sushi, and that was pretty damn life-changing! When I left, my wallet was in an uncomfortably empty state.
Doubt is ok. Doubt is just fine. I’m learning to be comfortable living in doubt, because doubt leaves room for a world bigger than myself, and what I know. Think about it. If I only use 10% of my already limited brain, then it is only expected that I not know everything. And even more important, it is expected that I lack the capacity, within my lifetime, to eventually know the ins-and-outs of every thing there is to know in the universe. And if it is true that I do not know everything, and that I can’t know everything, as unbelievable as that may sound, then maybe it could be permissible that I could still be involved in something bigger than myself, even if I don’t understand it all, and even contribute to something whole-heartedly, while knowing I haven’t completely figured out.
It’s permissible then, that I could serve God and God’s people, in the midst of unwavering doubt.
I am seeing miracles everyday, only in New York, we don’t call them “miracles” I’m too ‘educated’ for that sorta thing. I was smoke-free the last two-weeks I was in NY. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.
There was a little girl who had her life extended 4 years, and went from a state of certain-death, to one of joy, high-energy and rambunctiousness :) I got an email where someone said of this incident, that it was a miracle from God. I honestly didn’t see it as such, in the literal sense, I just saw it as a result of the love and care of the people around her, in addition to modern medicine, science and a heaping dash of her own will to live. But then i thought about it, and realized that all these things might as well be a “miracle from God”.
Speaking of which, I’ve been off the smokes for maybe 3.5 weeks now…. SWEET. Oh, I’m not over it, whatsoever. I live with a constant desire to light up. I smoked as if it was my job. But it’s nice to have that control to be able to say an unwavering “nope”.
Dang. This one was kinda deep. I guess I’m in that kinda mood at the moment. Anyhow – I’m off to work. So… how YOU doin?