On Faith, and Doubt

I’ll admit, being part of a mission is really hard.  It’s a difficult thing, especially when my own faith wavers so much. I was speaking with a few friends that I’ve made here in Nairobi, and they assume that just because I am part of this mission, that I am obviously a traditionally-defined Christian with an unwavering faith, when in actuality, that is just not the case—- I’m a man in process. I am a man who lives with unknowns; a man who is aware that myself and everyone else around me likely does not have it all figured out.

I don’t know if this is going to be a life changing experience, in fact, it probably will be no more of a life changing experience than if I had stayed in New York, because everything is life-changing. Every single thing that happens to you, changes your life to some degree. I had sushi once at Tomo Sushi, and that was pretty damn life-changing! When I left, my wallet was in an uncomfortably empty state.

Doubt is ok. Doubt is just fine. I’m learning to be comfortable living in doubt, because doubt leaves room for a world bigger than myself, and what I know. Think about it. If I only use 10% of my already limited brain, then it is only expected that I not know everything. And even more important, it is expected that I lack the capacity, within my lifetime, to eventually know the ins-and-outs of every thing there is to know in the universe. And if it is true that I do not know everything, and that I can’t know everything, as unbelievable as that may sound, then maybe it could be permissible that I could still be involved in something bigger than myself, even if I don’t understand it all, and even contribute to something whole-heartedly, while knowing I haven’t completely figured out.

It’s permissible then, that I could serve God and God’s people, in the midst of unwavering doubt.

I am seeing miracles everyday, only in New York, we don’t call them “miracles”  I’m too ‘educated’ for that sorta thing. I was smoke-free the last two-weeks I was in NY. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.

There was a little girl who had her life extended 4 years, and went from a state of certain-death, to one of joy, high-energy and rambunctiousness :) I got an email where someone said of this incident, that it was a miracle from God. I honestly didn’t see it as such, in the literal sense, I just saw it as a result of the love and care of the people around her, in addition to modern medicine, science and a heaping dash of her own will to live. But then i thought about it, and realized that all these things might as well be a “miracle from God”.

Speaking of which, I’ve been off the smokes for maybe 3.5 weeks now…. SWEET. Oh, I’m not over it, whatsoever. I live with a constant desire to light up. I smoked as if it was my job. But it’s nice to have that control to be able to say  an unwavering “nope”.

Dang. This one was kinda deep. I guess I’m in that kinda mood at the moment. Anyhow – I’m off to work. So… how YOU doin?

2 thoughts on “On Faith, and Doubt

  1. Dude,

    Stay off the cancer sticks. I’m VERY proud of you!

    And, keep doubting, and thinking, and pondering, and rediscovering, and learning, and cutting away, and adding on.

    Peace, and good things,

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