02.13.06
On faith and doubt
i admit – being part of a mission is really hard… it’s a difficult thing, especially when my own faith wavers so much. i was speaking with a few friends that i’ve made here in nairobi, and they assumed that just because i was part of this mission, that i was obviously an undoubting fully-defined christian, when in actuality, that is just not the case – - – i’m a man in process – a man who lives with unknowns – a man who is aware that myself and everyone else probably hasn’t figured it all out.
i don’t know if this is going to be a life changing experience, in fact, it probably will be no more of a life changing experience than if i stayed in New York, because everything is life-changing. i had sushi once at Tomo restaurant, and that stuff changed my life! it kept my wallet in an uncomfortably empty state.
Doubt is ok… i’m learning to live in doubt, because doubt leaves room for a world bigger than myself, and what I know. If I only use 10 % of my already limited brain, then it is only expected that I not know everything, and if it is true that I do not know everything, as unbelievable as that may sound, then maybe I can contribute to something whole heartedly that I know I haven’t completely figured out.
i’m seeing miracles everyday, only in New York, I don’t call them miracles…. I’m too ‘educated’ for that sorta thing. I was smoke-free the last two-weeks I was in NY. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.
there was a little girl who had her life extended 4 years, and went from a state of certain-death, to one of joy and high-energy and rambunctiousness :) i got an email where someone said it was a miracle of God. and i honestly didn’t see it as such, in the literal sense, i just saw it as a result of the love and care of the people around her, in addition to modern medicine, science and her own will to live… but then i thought about it, and realized that all these things might as well be a miracle of God.
Speaking of which, I’ve been off the smokes for maybe 3.5 weeks now…. SWEET. Oh, I’m not over it, whatsoever. I live with a constant desire to light up… I smoked as if it was my job. But it’s nice to have that control to be like “nope”.
Dang this one was kinda deep… guess I’m in that kinda mood at the moment. Anyhow – I’m off to work. So… how YOU doin?
