The Teenage Angst of Pigeons in Queens

Currently Playing: Unknown Pleasures By Joy Division

So a few weeks ago I noticed this pigeon on the balcony below mine just sitting there day and night. after my friend convinced me not to shoo it away, it occurred to me that it’s probably nesting.  A few days later, lo and behold, two baby pigeons emerged from its womb.  the miracle of life, only a few short steps from Queens Boulevard in Forest Hills, NY.

A few days later one of the babies died, and I found it interesting yet disturbing that the mama pigeon did not get rid of the dead baby bird. In fact, they’re raising their kid right next to the carcass of its dead sibling.  it’s actually becoming part of the nest now – only feathers and a beak remain.

But that little baby pigeon is now growing so fast! I looked at it yesterday and it’s huge, probably a teenager in bird years. You can tell cuz its in an awkward stage,  not proportional, acne, body hair where there was none before, and i think it has some questions about its sexuality though I could be wrong.  But its really sheltered, her parents won’t let her out, ever!  Maybe they just don’t wanna deal with letting their kid face the real world, but they gotta understand it will probably rebel.

Last thing we need is another pigeon roaming our streets tryin to find herself in a cold cruel world.


The Only Salmon Recipe You’ll Ever Need

I cooked this for my dad on his birthday.


2 Salmon Steaks
1 Lemon
Garlic chopped
Fresh Basil from the jar
Salt & Pepper
Plastic Bag


  1. But everything in a bag and leave it for like 20 minutes while you work, talk on the phone, or cook something else.
  2. Once 20 minutes have passed by, decide you wanna leave it for like 30 minutes more because the Simpsons just came on TV.
  3. Watch episode and laugh if it’s funny.
  4. Return to plastic bag.  Take salmon out of bag and take a can of non-fat cooking spray.  Remove the lid and realize that there’s no spray nozzle. You’ve been sold a defective product.
  5. Go back to the store and return the nozzle-less cooking spray, and make sure you get a receipt.
  6. Test the spray out on the store clerk’s hair.  If her bangs no longer stick to her forehead, you got yourself a winner.
  7. Return to apartment, and play some Dismemberment Plan “Emergency & I”  and set volume to -30dB on your stereo.
  8. Forget to pre-heat the oven, and remind yourself to do it once the salmon is ready to cook.
  9. Put salmon back in plastic bag and watch Seinfeld thru 2 commercial breaks.
  10. Stick hand in oven for 10 seconds.  If it hurts, you’re good to go!
  11. Use cooking spray on a piece of foil and place foil on a tray and plop those salmon steaks right on there.
  12. Form a pyramid around the steaks with your foil and let it cook for 10 minutes ONLY!!
  13. I cannot stress enough how overcooked salmon SUCKS.  Take out of oven after 10 minutes and stick fork to make sure it’s not raw in there… if it is, shove it back in for another 5 minutes, but no more… NO MORE…  don’t give me that face… yea i’m talking to YOU!
  14. Remove from oven.
  15. Take a bite and say “damn, that shit is good!”

so in conclusion: